1983:

In a controversial move the President has awarded the Soviet Union with a contract to oversee U.S. shipping ports.

"Ve vould neffer do anyting to hurt the United States," said Soviet leader Constatijn Chernyenko, "Our bombs would neffer go off in Newark or New Orleans."

Members of Congress, including the Majority Leader, expressed skepticism:

"Unlike the words of poor Terry Schiavo, the Russians cannot be trusted," said the Majority Leader. "That any President, be him Republican or Democrat, decides to turn over our security to the enemy cannot be countenanced."

Shortly after the Majority Leader's remarks he, as well as Congress, disappeared in a puff of smoke.


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